Roller Derby Workout Challenge --WEEK THREE

This week has not gone great. I've stuck to the meal plan pretty strictly, but the exercising is coming up short. I know that this whole challenge is two-pronged (exercise and diet), but I'm trying to look at the fact that I haven't just thrown the entire thing out the window as a big positive.

I started out the week fine, but after the first day of basketball tryouts for the team I'm coaching (Wednesday), the thought of dragging my ass to our Boot Camp made me want to stab someone in the throat with a letter opener (I know, oddly specific, right?). Plus, that day was about 14 hours on my feet working and coaching which had my ankle hurting more than it has in a long time. So, I skipped it.

Thursday I managed to squeeze in the "10 burpees, 10 squats, decrease in descending order" workout, but another 14 hours of working and coaching on Friday paired with the mental exhaustion of being forced to cut upwards of 30 girls from the roster meant I just came home and sacked out.

Right now, on my last day of week three, I'm trying to get up the motivation to make up one of those missed days. I'm thinking of punishing myself by going totally rogue with a workout of P90X Plyometrics. But it says REST DAY on my calendar in big purple letters. Who am I to argue with that?

Since failing my benchmarks, I thought I'd see a resurgence in my desire to work hard and attain derby greatness. No such luck. We don't have very many on-skates practices this week thanks to fully booked rinks in the area, so I really need to buckle down and work this on my own. I just need to find some motivation. Any ideas?

If you don't workout, Tony Horton will hunt you down and inspire you. LOOK OUT!

Courtesy of Twiggie Smalls

I found this post written by a derby skater from the Dockyard Derby Dames in Tacoma, WA. If you want to follow her on Tumblr, you can see the original post here. It reminds me of the things I'm already doing that will pay off and the things I need to start doing. Thanks Twiggie!

 

My top 7 tips for fresh meat

1. Take off that garter-belt-tutu-thing and pay your fuckin’ dues. Lay track, keep score, haul water, stamp hands. There will be a time for semi-nudity and obnoxious self-promotion. And that time is after you’ve actually proven yourself on the track. Teams don’t draft rollergirls. Teams draft roller derby players. 
2. You don’t always get drafted right away. Even if you do everything right, maybe you’re just not what a team needs. Maybe a team needs a jammer and you are clearly a blocker. Maybe you just need more time. Don’t throw a diva fit and don’t disappear. Ask if can help with reffing or NSO duties or whatever. Keep practicing and keep driving yourself. You can be awesome! But it doesn’t happen overnight.
3. Watch the game. Watch as many bouts online, on TV, or in person as you can. Have the rules on hand so you can check to see and familiarize yourself with all the penalties and procedures. Watch with a vet and ask questions about everything. If you get a penalty during practice or scrimmage, ask the ref about it afterward. You don’t sound stupid. It’s a very complicated game. Most the players I know (including myself) say the average amount of time it takes to really understand what you’re doing on the track is one year. One. Year. Of being on a team. Ask And listen all the time. 
4. Wax on, wax off. Does a drill seem easy to you? Then you are being a lazy, sloppy, no count, time wasting, dumb bitch. The best skaters in the game do hundreds of laps and basics til they puke. Get lower, engage your core, add a power option. If anything is comfortable or easy you are not making the most of the drill. 
5. Learn the difference between hurt and injured. Injured means you can’t skate. Broken bone, torn ligament, concussion, loss of limb. Don’t ever skate if your doctor tells you not to or if you are only 75% healed. Tell your coach and captains if there is anything wrong with you before hitting the track.  That said, DERBY FUCKING HURTS. You don’t get to stop or skip practice because you are “hurt.” Being sore, having a bruise the size of a skillet, a little sniffle, or a black eye are not excuses to stay home. Nobody wants to draft a player who is always too “hurt” to be there for her team. 
6. Perfect your stops. You do not need a drill or a lot of space to work on stops. Whenever you have a few seconds alone work on stopping as quickly and as low as possible. T-stop with your left and your right skate, plow stop, hockey stop, backwards toe stop. Dragging a toe is an invitation for an opposing blocker to floor you and probably snap your ankle. Don’t ever, ever do it. 
7. Derby skating is not session skating. There is never a time for coasting during roller derby. At any given time you should be actively speeding up or slowing down. Read that sentence again- it was a derby epiphany for me. When you are skating fast there is never a need for gliding. Speed does not come from wheels rolling; it comes from pushing off the edge of your wheel. Crossovers, duck walks, juking, choppy, running steps. Get it

Get behind thee Derby!

Derby, I want YOU to take a back seat...

Derby is great. I love it, I crave it, I'm likely addicted to it. Unfortunately, it is also the easiest thing to cut from my schedule when the rest of my life is one big Charlie Foxtrot. Giving up derby is not an option, however it seems that I have some serious scaling back to do in the near future.

I'm upset by this because since the (failed) WFTDA quals, I've felt renewed intent towards my skating. I'm not just out there to turn left...I want to be confident and badass and knock some bitches down. I want to see my skills improve. I want to kick the WFTDA quals right in the nutsack next time we meet.

But now I'm coaching. Don't get me wrong...I love coaching. It just takes up a lot of time. Time I could be spending learning to skate like Darth Maul'her or Scuttlebutt Jibber Jabber (my newest SCRV idols!). For example, our first day of basketball tryouts were today. My schedule went roughly as such:

5:00 - Get up, get out of bed, drag a comb across my head...
5:15 - Walk the dogs (furry, four-legged children)
6:00 - Shower, break the fast, make lunch, feed the dogs, feed the fish, feed the lizard (NOT a euphemism)
6:30 - Leave for work
7:15 - PLC meeting
8:55 - Students arrive (no plan period today, hooray!)
2:45 - School's out!
2:55 - Basketball Tryouts (Day 1) start
5:30 - Basketball Tryouts (Day 1) end
6:15 - Leave school
6:45 - Arrive home
6:50 - Walk dogs (during walk realize that I just missed a league meeting -- F#@% -- do I have to go to those?)
7:15 - Dinner
7:30 - Clean up the house, feed the dogs, feed the fish
8:20 - Blog, baby!

I didn't even stick to my Roller Derby Workout Challenge plan today. My exercise was our Boot Camp Practice, but the thought of staying up until 11:30 is devastating. In fact, I might be sleeping while I type this. And, I had to eat an extra slice of bread with dinner just to feel satisfied, which is usually not the case. Not to mention that while I was at work/coaching my dogs were all cooped up. Gah!

It's frustrating to realize that the one thing you REALLY enjoy and do for yourself is the one thing you can't make time for. That being said, I'm going to get some sleep. It feels like I've been going non-stop for three days...I'm running on fumes and that extra slice of bread. Please send Derby Love to refuel!

Relief is spelled F-A-I-L

For those of you out in the Derby blogosphere that hang on my every word (thousands upon thousands, I'm sure) I won't keep you waiting. I did not pass my WFTDA qualifications tonight.

I thought I'd be really sad. Maybe sob on the way home obscuring my vision and causing a horrific car crash that would make everyone feel guilty for not passing me, but I didn't. And I'm not that sad. Relieved is more the feeling I'm having.

Truth is, I'm not that confident when I'm skating. I knew going into this that I wasn't mentally ready to scrimmage, especially since every time someone comes near me my immediate response is, "Oooo, watch the ankle." (Albeit internally.)

The coach and the captains made the right decision. Probably somewhere between my nearly failed left knee drop and my face bashing into the floor during the hitting drills.

Face meet floor.

Honestly, I'm still a bit of a Bambi. All arms and legs. I don't skate low enough and I need to work on that. But, I'm trying to focus on the positives. I made my 25 in 5 -- in fact, I beat my last time by nearly 35 seconds! And, I weaved through the paceline, which I have never done successfully before.

Sure, several girls that haven't been skating for as long as I have passed. Who cares? (I won't lie, I kind of care, but I'm trying to seem grown up about it.) I get another chance at it in a month or two and now I know what I have to work on.

I wish I had passed -- of course I do -- but if I get all caught up in what I didn't do, I won't be able to focus on what I DID do. Geez, I'm so reflective and zen tonight...I better go sleep this off. I don't want the kiddos to think I've lost it!

Roller Derby Workout Challenge -- WEEK TWO

I made it!

That might be the best thing I can say about it.

I did all the workouts (granted, I may have slacked off a little, but this is a huge, cardio-repiratory exertion compared to my previous stints of sitting on the couch with an AirCast on).

Little to no heavy breathing required.

The food plan is going well, too. I've been sneaking in little pieces of dark chocolate here and there to keep me sane, but nothing too over-the-top. Although I did have a very vivid dream about downing an entire package of Newman-Os -- it was delicious and I didn't feel like a fat cow later (that's how I knew I was dreaming).

I will admit that I'm a little sick of tofu. I have to find alternate protein sources because I'm a vegan and there's only so much seitan and entire cans of garbanzo beans you can choke down. Apparently, the same is true for soy products. It's brought me to the realization that my diet before was pretty carb-heavy. Granted they were complex carbs (whole wheat pasta, brown rice, etc.), but I do feel better eating fewer of them. Hungrier, but better.

Despite the fact that I'm sticking to this Challenge like fat to my mid-section, I haven't seen many differences. I haven't lost weight. I don't have bulging quad muscles and my skinny, chicken arms still can't support me through "REAL" push-ups.

Yet I will endure because the only thing I want more than to eat a Goddamn Newman-O is a chance to play Roller Derby.

League Assessments & WFTDA quals

I'm a scientist at heart. I'm always asking questions and when told something, I expect to see evidence to back up said statement. Good, hard evidence. (That's what she said.)

However, I'm also a bit of a reactionary. I've been known to boldly shout out statements AS FACT with no actual evidence to support them. I don't know for sure if the guy that just cut me off in his convertible Porsche is a total douchebag going through a mid-life crisis despite the fact that I will yell this at him at the top of my lungs in hopes he can hear me over my stereo and the steady beat of rain on everything for miles (Yay, Western Washington weather!). I have no evidence...that's just how it feels...

That being said, when I posted earlier about being agonizingly slow, I realize that's just how I felt. It felt like I was REALLY slow. I had no evidence, neither good nor hard, to back up my feelings. Until now.

At practice on Monday, our coach did a league assessment. I didn't really know what that was, so I didn't have the time to build up the appropriate amount of dread towards the event. Turns out, our league assessments consist of two timed tasks:

1. Pace for 40 laps -- The goal is to hit the league average which is 6:49.
2. Sprint 6 laps -- The goal is to hit the league average of :50.

Shit...I haven't even been able to successfully hit my 25 in 5 mark and now I have to skate 40 laps against the entire league? Yeesh!

I could share all the self-doubt that went through my head while I was skating (and getting lapped -- over and over and over), but this is already kind of a bitchfest, so... I managed my 40 laps in 8:10. I didn't feel great about it, but I finished, I didn't eat shit, and there was one person that was 5 seconds slower than me, so I clung to those small victories. I was hoping my lack of total failure would give me confidence to sprint my 6 laps.

It didn't. Not really.

My sprint time...was...the...s...l...o....w....e.....s.....t......in the league. I haven't actually sat down to crunch the numbers, but it's entirely possible that my sprint was slower than my average paced speed. I suppose I should find some solace in how impressive that feat is.

Any other week, I would have just filed the number away and vowed to do better next time. But this week is leading up to the all important WFTDA qualifications. The test that I have to pass if I want to start running with the big dogs and getting my ass handed to me (because that's what will happen). It was a blow to my confidence during a week when I need all the confidence I can get.

Now, for nearly 5 days I've fallen asleep, woke up, eaten, showered, worked, played, with one thought rolling through my head,

It doesn't matter if I can T-stop perfectly or send someone flying on every single hit I land, if I can't skate 25 in 5, I won't pass.

And that's the truth. But today I realized something else. So what if I don't pass this qual? The league runs one almost every month. That will give me another month to get faster, hit harder, and learn to carve through the turns. If I don't pass, it's not the end of the world. (And honestly, I don't want to run with the big dogs until I can pass anyway...I'd get more than my ass handed to me.)

I like to think that this means I'm growing up, but I'm probably just delirious from my lack of sleep due to worry.

Send me good thoughts on Sunday night!!

Weird Looks & Poster Crooks

I'm trying to drum up business. Can you blame me? Roller Derby totally rocks and if you aren't watching it yet, how can you be fully living your life? Plus, the more people that come to our bouts, the more it helps the league and the charities that we play for. Situation: WIN-WIN-WIN

Now that SCRV's January bout is over, all the hype has been transferred to our February bout: Love Hurts. This is really the first major bout I've been around to help prepare for and hype to the fullest. (I was still out with my ankle issue when we were promoting the "Scrappy New Year" bout.) It's an amazing bout, with an amazing poster.

Come on baby, make it hurt so good.

I took the opportunity to grab a stack of flyers to hand out to my co-workers and hang in my classroom. I have a few Brats (our junior team) in my classes and I thought they might like to see the sport being represented as well. Plus, the poster is awesome.

Now, I didn't blanket the hallways with the flyers or anything. I hung one (tasteful) 8 1/2 x 11 flyer in the staff lounge and personally hand delivered flyers to the people I consider to be slightly more than colleagues, but not quite friends. It's no secret to these folks that I've been pursuing this Roller Derby dream of mine. I promised I would invite them to the first bout that I was in, but I quickly realized as I fell in love with the sport, that they should come to EVERY bout.

You would have thought I was giving them leprosy....

ME: Here's a flyer to the league's next bout. You should come. It's a double-header, kind of a two-for-one deal. It's a lot of fun. And there's a beer garden. (Notice I succinctly explained all the salient details. Who could resist?)

THE EX-FOOTBALL STAR: (uninterested grunt)

THE GRUMPY OLD MAN: Are you playing?

THE ALCOHOLIC WOMANIZER: Beer garden, huh? And short skirts, I assume?

THE RECENT WIDOW: (raised eyebrow)

ME: I'm serious. You'll like it. It's amazing.

THEM: (blank stares)

Aside from the fact that I obviously work with a cast of characters off a sitcom line-up, they all seemed to almost dread the idea of actually attending a bout. I have slightly less than a month to convince them to come (and believe me, when I get the tickets to sell, I'll be right in their faces about it), but it reminded me that a lot of people are kind of freaked out by derby. Why is this? A bunch of guys running around in tight pants, tackling each other and slapping asses is a sport. Why not derby?

On top of that, some little hellion stole my actual bout poster. I guess I should take that as a sign that someone is feloniously interested in the sport. Plus, did I mention? The poster rocks!

HITS is an anagram for SHIT

That is to say that I make shit hits. Really bad. Meteorically, out-of-this-world, off-the-charts shitty. I'm trying not to be hard on myself. There's a very rational part of me saying, "Calm down. Slow down your breathing. You've never done this before. You're Physical Therapist just released you for hitting last week. It'll come."

I like her, she's smart.

But there's another part of me...a much LARGER part, that's saying, "You stupid Bambi on skates. Put your hip into it. You're the only girl out here getting knocked down (true, BTW, not an exaggeration). You might as well just give up."

I hate that girl.

I'm not, by nature, optimistic. Yes, I have WFTDA quals coming up in a week. Do I think I'll pass? HELL NO! I am, by nature, hard on myself. If I don't pass WFTDA am I going to have to drive home through a sheet of angry tears? Probably. No one will ever be more disappointed in myself than I am.

SHIT...

NSOh Baby!!

Tonight Slaughter County held a double-header. I don't want to keep everyone on the ropes about the outcome: BOTH TEAMS WON!! SCRV kicked some serious derby ass!!

Dramatization.

I also kicked some derby ass, but in a way that most people don't notice. I got to NSO. I started NSOing because I wanted to be a part of the league, but wasn't good enough to skate on a team yet. I ♥ being an NSO because it helps me learn the rules of the game and also how the refs work during bouts. I'm hoping that, eventually, it will make me a better bout skater. But I'll have to let you know how that goes AFTER I bout.

It was also a chance to see some of my Freshie colleagues rock the track in their debut as Roller Vixens. One of the skaters that started around the same time I did, Juke Jill N Haul, managed a nearly 20 point jam!! I like being at the bouts and watching my fellow Freshies dominate, but it's a little bittersweet as well. You know, I want to be out there too!

Roller Derby Workout Challenge -- WEEK ONE

I, along with thousands of other Roller Girls the world over, have decided to embark on the 8 week Roller Derby Workout Challenge. Today is the last day in week one. So far, I've been doing pretty good. The only thing I ate that was off meal plan were a few olives...and I drank a coconut water.

More potassium than a banana! If you can get over the fact that it looks and tastes like ejaculate. YUMMY!

The workouts are going slightly less good. I feel like I'm getting weaker as the challenge rolls on. I know that's because I'm repeatedly forcing my muscles to do things they've never done before with very little recovery, but it's frustrating none the less. I was able to do the whole Roller Derby Workout on day 2, but by day 6 I could only do about 3/4 of it.

I'm pushing myself really hard for a few reasons:

1. I know the stronger my muscles are, the stronger my ankle is becoming. And, the stronger I get, the more things I can do on my skates and the less likely I am to reinjure myself.
2. I have a spare tire that won't quit. I've been trying for a long time to get rid of it, but the damn thing just keeps hanging on. I have PCOS (perhaps another post about this bitch of a disease) and it makes losing weight and staying healthy really difficult.
3. My husband has been gone for a week and a half now. It's lonely at my house and I need something to keep my mind off the fact that he left.

I noticed that as this week neared its end, I started to crave sweets again. It's been hard to avoid them...but I've done it (so far). Let's hope I can keep it up with week 2!

I'm slow.

Really slow. Agonizingly slow. The slowest.

And like this tortoise, it means I'll have bitches leaning all over me.

I can't keep up in the pace line. And last night, during our 13 minute drill, I got lapped at least 5 times by every other Freshie.

I'm also terrified. When I'm going too fast, I feel out of control (and I don't like it!). More importantly, the last time I lost control while trying to whip around the apex, I broke my ankle. I broke my ankle in the same rink where we skate for practice. I broke my ankle on the same track that we skate during practice. I can't lean into turns 3 and 4 without my inner voice saying, "SLOW DOWN! This is where you broke your fucking ankle!"

I don't really know what to do. It's a mental block; I don't want to break my ankle again. How do I get over something like that?

Honorable Discharge

I've been set free from PT!! My Physical Therapist discharged me today. Despite the fact that I'm pretty concerned about the lack of mobility my ankle has in my skates, he said I was healing quickly and that there wasn't any point to come in when I could do the same things at home.

I'm pretty thrilled. I'm taking the night off to rest my ankle and my legs (I worked out twice yesterday, WTF was I thinking...). I also need to mentally prepare for the season premiere of Tosh.0. See? There are things I love as much as derby.

Cardigans are sexy!

Derby Girls are so nice...

just don't let them hear you say that or they'll beat your ass! Tonight was Fresh Meat (Yay Sundays!). And it was excellent!

Zang!

I've been a little hesitant to continue going to FM, or any practice really, just because I'm so far behind everyone else. I'm not embarassed -- I broke my ankle for Christ's sake -- but that usually means that a lot of the things that get worked on don't help me master my WFDTA qual basics. (SIDE NOTE: Turns out our next chance to qualify is in two weeks. WTF? How am I supposed to master all those skills in TWO WEEKS??)

While the rest of the Freshies were working on balance in a pack and during a wheel lock, I found myself skating around the outside. That's really the only piece of my Physical Therapist's advice I follow: no contact. A wheel lock seems like a shit-load of pressure directly on my ankle, no thanks! I decided to approach one of the vets that was there, Owl Stompya, to ask for help with slaloming, which has thus far eluded me. She immediately set up a short slalom course and walked me, step-by-baby-step, through a good slalom. After I tried it once she looked at me for a second and said, "We should loosen your trucks." To which I replied, "What?"

I ordered my skates from Rollergirl.ca and have been wearing them as-is, directly out of the box. (Well, almost. They have blue hockey tape on the toes and some sharpied black stripes on the side.) I don't know anything about skate maintenance and therefore have been apprehensive about fucking with any part of my skates.

Owl loosed up my trucks a bit and then walked me through the slalom again. It wasn't a light-shining-from-the-heavens, angel-chorus-singing, cloud-parting improvement, BUT it was a lot easier and after a few more go-rounds of pointing my vagina and my boobs in the direction I want to go, I made some definite progress. On my way home, I couldn't stop smiling. It totally reminded me why trying new things is awesome. When you learn something new...there's nothing in the world that can beat that. Am I right?

So what is that? One part of the WFTDA quals. down, approximatley 546 left to master!!

TTRB

Last night, as a belated Christmas gift, I took my Dad and my sister to the Tilted Thunder Rail Birds. TTRB as the name, perhaps, implies is a Banked Track Derby league. As far as I know, they are the only Banked Track team in Washington state. And tonight was only their second bout. It was awesome. The inaugural bout set-up a pretty sweet grudge match between the Red and Purple teams. Purple won in the final jam by ONE POINT.

This bout went back and forth between both teams, mostly because every third jam seemed to be a Power Jam for one team or the other. Penalties and skaters seemed to be flying everywhere. The lead must have changed upwards of a dozen times during the bout, but Purple managed to pull out the win by 15 points. It was pretty intense.

New Derby Crush Thumper Skull jamming for the Red Team.

It's always fun to watch BT derby and see the differences between it and flat track. I'm trying to convince my sister to sign up for Flight School (TTRB's Boot Camp program), but she seemed to hate it. It was also difficult to enjoy the on-track action with my Dad mumbling things in my ear like, "They sure seem to be going in slow-motion" or "You can tell they haven't been doing this for very long."

Really Dad? I'd like to see you get out there and do what they are doing. I was really focused on the bout, watching the blockers and pivots to see how they moved and keeping an eye on the jammer's footwork. I was trying to memorize everything. But, once again, I was occasionally distracted by the view from the corner of my eye: my Dad sleeping and my sister using her smart phone to surf the web. Great...

I guess we know who won't be invited to my first bout.

FAMILY: You can't live with them, you can't make them disappear by ignoring them.

Everyone else my age is an adult...

while I am merely in disguise. -- MARGARET ATWOOD

Being an adult certainly has its advantages:

1. I can stay up as late as I want. Even if that usually means I'm in bed by 9. What can I say? I love to sleep.
2. I don't have to eat my vegetables. Although, being vegan, if I don't eat my vegetables I won't eat much.
3. I'm legally able to buy pornography. Cha-ching!

But it also has its disadvantages; mortgages, careers, bills...

I don't often find myself making adult-type decisions. In fact, my child-like ability to act first and think later has gotten me into more trouble than I care to admit. I've been nearly arrested, had reprimanding letters placed in my "file", nearly killed myself, nearly killed someone else, and watched the movie Alone in the Dark.

Seriously? Tara Reid and Christian Slater? What was I thinking? Worst. Movie. Ever.

However, when it comes to Roller Derby (of all things!!), my adult self has seemingly emerged. I've been forced to make a very adult decision about my ankle. While practice schedules permit me the opportunity to practice 6 days a week, my ankle permits me the opportunity to practice 3 days a week (maybe...). Hmm, there seems to be a discrepancy there.

A large (VERY LARGE) part of me wants to say, "Fuck the ankle" and skate until my foot falls off. But I haven't. I chose not to go to Derby Open Skate yesterday because my ankle was still a little twingy from Boot Camp. I, very responsibly, did some gentle, PT prescribed stretching and watched some TV (not Alone in the Dark) while I iced and elevated it. For me, that is some serious restraint.

I'm surprised that it took my participation in a sport know for slutty clothing and knocking bitches down to bring out my adult side. My adult side, apparently, is a Roller Girl. And she will kick my ass if I ruin my ankle again. I'm a little afraid of her. She'll probably do this to my face:

Vampires ARE all the rage now...

A Little History Lesson -- PART EIGHT

A journal excerpt from the beginning of my Roller Derby journey (circa 11/17/2010):

It's now been 5 weeks since my freakishly long legs tripped me down the road to my first broken bone. According the doctor I saw in Urgent Care that fateful night, my ankle has been healed enough for me to have been skating on it for the last 4 weeks already. Look Ma, I'm skating backwards!!

On the other hand, my orthopedic doctor has now begun to refer to my left ankle as two separate, but equally important events: THE FRACTURE and THE SPRAIN.

The Fracture breaks the bones and the Sprain stretches the ligaments. These are their stories.

THE FRACTURE was diagnosed about two weeks ago after three (yes, 3!) sets of X-rays. At which point my orthopedic doctor ordered me back into my walking boot for two weeks. Today, the good news is that THE FRACTURE seems to be healing up quite nicely.

THE SPRAIN is another story. It appears that I sprained my posterior anterior tibial fibial ligament tendon...whatever. This requires me to wear my walking boot for two MORE weeks (possibly longer) and wait for word on whether I need to get a CAT scan done. Hooray!!

This is horrible. Not only can I not skate, I can't run, I can barely walk and my left calf is now the same size around as a baseball bat (and getting smaller). I mentioned to my doctor that my boot doesn't fit tight enough anymore and she laughed. (Yes, I find it hilariously funny as well...) I can feel my derby career slipping through my fingers before it even starts. At this rate, I won't EVER fully recover and the world will just come to accept that one of my shoes is a boot.

Can you get a discount on shoes if you only buy the Right one?

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This gets us all caught up to the present in a very "Memento"-esque way.

 

Boot Camp, HOOAH!!

Every Wednesday night, SCRV's traditional practice turns into boot camp. I'm pretty sure boot camp was created with one goal in mind: to kick your ass (or, more specifically, to kick my ass). I had never gone to a boot camp practice before so my old pal Anxiety decided to stop by and pay me a visit. And, of course, boot camp doesn't start until 9:30 at night, so Anxiety and I had lots of time to catch up. We fit in a game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos.

I figured someone should eat, since I couldn't.

We started with some off-skates warm-ups (running lines, lunges, wall sits, yay!). I found myself able to do them pretty easily. Wait, let me rephrase that, my ANKLE wasn't giving me any trouble. My lungs on the other hand...it's really amazing how much fitness you lose when your ankle is in a boot for 3 months.

I wish I could say that I really hung in there with the rest of the skaters there, but I didn't. As soon as we started doing crossover squats to practice form, I had to bail. I used to be able to totally rock crossover squats, but now my ankle just doesn't bend that way. Not anymore.

But I had a moment of revelation, like the Grinch on top of Mount Crumpet. Seeing the limitations of my ankle is really giving me a good idea of what I need to work on in PT. And, instead of throwing in the towel and crawling home with my tail between my legs, I did what I could. I took off my skates and did crossover squats without them on (still difficult, but not impossible).

I spent most of boot camp off in the "Shame Corner" all by myself working on my front-to-back transitions. And it was exactly what I needed. I hammered away at a basic skill and I did some cardio.

Sometimes, when I show up a Fresh Meat practice, I don't always get a chance to work on the things that I still need to work on; the basics. And going to open skate on other nights also isn't conducive to puttering around and trying new things. Despite the fact that I couldn't hang with the big dogs, I was really happy with how practice went today. A few more of these and I might be able to tackle a staggered slalom. (Hey, at least I'm optimistic!!)

A Little History Lesson -- PART SEVEN

A journal excerpt from the beginning of my Roller Derby journey (circa 11/11/2010):

I've been reluctantly silent in my attempts to become a famed Roller Derby skater. A month ago (to the day...), I tripped over my own stupid, long, freak legs and hit the track -- HARD. I don't really know what happened during the fall, but my body twisted one way and my foot twisted the other. My ankle swelled up to the size of a grapefruit and I had a tedious midnight conversation with Sid, the X-ray Technician. Apparently, I reminded him of his wives -- plural.

It was determined to be a minor, but career-halting stress fracture in my tibia (or fibula, some bone in my lower leg). I remember the exact thought I had in my head right before I fell ass over elbows: "I'm finally getting the hand of crossovers. I LOVE THIS!!" Then the floor was rushing towards me. I haven't experienced such a dramatic shift in my personal well-being since I quit drinking.

Ankle injury = Alcoholism = Desperation (I was never good at math, but that seems about right.)

 So here I sit, wearing my moon boot...excuse me, "Air Cast"...wishing I could skate and instead overindulging in Newman-Os and vegan toaster pastries. I went to the Halloween bout to support our local league and loved it. I wanted to be out there. I watched the Championships on DNN and wanted to see SCRV competing. I wanted to be a part of all that. Then I stared down at my boot and my unsed skates. My useless ankle.

I've been an athlete for a long time. I once played an entire game deathly ill, posted some impressive stats, and then passed out in the locker room. I had my airways close up at a state game, rushed to the closest doctor, and an hour later was back on the field. I once bit through my bottom lip, bled everywhere, and had my coach shove a cotton ball in the wound so that I could keep playing. Letting an injury or illness keep me out of a game has never been on my radar, so to speak.

Got Leid?

Winter sucks...the days are short, the nights are long, I have to scrape ice off my windshield. Wouldn't it be nice if there were somewhere to go where winters don't necessarily mean you develop Seasonal Affective Disorder?

Where everybody knows your name...

Mmm, Kauai. I'm imagining myself there right now. I'm already making plans for next year. Who's with me?

A Little History Lesson -- PARTS FIVE & SIX

An journal excerpt from the beginning of my Roller Derby journey (circa 8/29/2010): 

Yes, I had a woe-is me day (see A Little History Lesson -- PART FOUR). It happens. But today, oh today, was a day of successes. I went to my second ever Fresh Meat practice. SUCCESS! I skated my first crossover. SUCCESS! I learned how to do a T-stop. SUCCESS! I didn't fall down. SUCCESS!

Despite the fact that my ass STILL hurts from a week ago (I might have to face the fact that I cracked my tailbone, not just bruised it), I'm feeling pretty good today. I got out there on the track with 20 veterans -- I have no fucking idea why they were all there -- and I did pretty good. I actually felt like I had improved from last time (MIRACLE!) and that I might actually get some of this someday. Someday being the operative word.

WHAT? ANOTHER DOUBLE DOWN?

A journal excerpt from the beginning of my Roller Derby journey (circa 8/31/2010):

Today is the last day in August, but it's dreary out, like it's the last day in October. What the Hell is happening with the weather in the Pacific Northwest? I live for our summers that stretch into mid-October, but this year it took along time to get started and then just fizzled out; a bum firecracker. And, of course, as the weather goes, so goes my mood. I almost killed someone today...I kid you not. I was surprised by my reaction, not the desire to shed blood (that feeling overcomes me on quite a regular basis, actually), but the desire to strap on my skates and tear around the track (perhaps shedding blood on the way). 

The more I've begun to "live derby", the more I'm reminded of another kind of socially unacceptable, fringe outlet for frustration -- Fight Club. I am Jill's unrequited love of Fight Club. Yes, the movie was brillant, but the book is...immense. And despite the dissociative personality disorder, violent/tender pseudo-love story, and global economic destruction, I can see that Roller Derby fills the same niche as Fight Club. A bunch of buttoned-up "professionals" that need the volume turned down on "real life". Look at the facts:

• Both started as small, grassroots organizations
• Both have grown in popularity due to work-of-mouth
• Both offer an outlet for the modern pissed off and stressed out
• Both become a huge part of your life
• AS IN -- "Fight Club became the reason to go to the gym, cut your hair, and keep your nails trimmed." or "Roller Derby is the reason I do 5,000 crunches before bed. I want to knock a bitch down."

So someone today really pissed me off (enough to make me envision ripping out said individual's jugular with my bare hands). I can take that frustration and put it into skating. I can imagine stomping that pompous asshole's face into the floor with my skate during every lap. Is that too much rage?

It's like a good night of drinking or a bad hangover.

I'm not (usually) the type of person that doubles down.

Especially not with this...although I'm sure it's ATKINS-approved!!

I like to take things slow and steady; some days I sleep for hours at a time...it's crazy really. But I couldn't help it. If you've become attached to the rhythm of this blog (i.e. current post followed by past post) I'd like to apologize for throwing you off your blog-reading game. I'd LIKE to apologize, but I'm not going to.

Fresh Meat practice was particularly brutal tonight. I don't think anyone else thought so, but I did. And it culminated in me doing two things I don't normally do: 1) vomit and 2) cry. It's not all entirely due to Roller Derby, but there are some emotions there that are...how do you say...pretty shitty. As much as I want to be happy for all the FM that are slaloming their way onto teams within the league, there's a little piece of me that dies everytime a spot is filled.

You see, SCRV is an extremely small league.

Slaughter County Roller Vixens = Tiny, but tough

It only has two home teams and the players on those teams make up a third "all-star" or travel team. When I started my Fresh Meat journey in August (pre-injury), there were a huge number of FM that wanted to go through the program; probably 30+. There was talk of being able to start a brand-new third home team. I didn't have to worry about finishing my quals quickly, there were PLENTY of spots open. Since my injury, the number has dwindled to 10 FM...about half of which have made a team already. Now each team only has 1 or 2 spots remaining on their roster with 5 or 6 girls trying to fill them. 5 or 6 girls who all have skills that are now light-years ahead of mine.

I'm trying not to let this mathematical equation enter my brain when I'm out there skating. I can only do what I can do and right now I'm especially limited. But the thought of working my ass off, puking, and crying only to turn from Fresh Meat to Rancid is freaking me out a little bit. A lot. A whole lot. And that sucks...

But, I'd like to end on a good note, usually I don't care, but I have to get up in a few hours and go back to work for the first time in 2 weeks; I need all the help I can get. Alright, good stuff...

1. I discovered today that if I really sink down into my derby stance (squat from my standing height of 5'11" to about 4') my crossovers are much smoother and I feel more stable. -- DUH!
2. I'm REALLY sore already, which means I'm working my way back into skating shape.
3. My skates are red and that's pretty awesome.
4. I still have 6 days to eat Newman-Os before the RDW Challenge starts.
5. When you accidentally swig down soda water for hydration, your vomit feels all bubbly. (Yes, it burns a little but THINK POSITIVE!)

Roller Derby Resolutions

I'm not a fanatic about New Year's Resolution because I consider myself to be something of a professional when it comes to letting myself down. But, I managed to keep both of my resolutions last year and when you're on that kind of a roll, you have to ride the wave until it dies. Hopefully later rather than sooner.

I don't want to be a better person. I don't want to save the planet. I don't want to make new friends (and keep the old). I don't even really care if I lose weight. I've committed my 2011 to Roller Derby -- and fighting off the inevitable panic about approaching the bit 3-0. So, without further ado (drum roll...), my resolutions for this year.

1. I want to become a better skater. PERIOD.

Any improvement will be acceptable. If I have to be more specific, I'd like to be able to pass my WFTDA quals sometime this year. And if God (or whoever) is up there handing out skating skills, I'll be a little greedy and go for this:

In order to help myself get there, I've signed on for the Roller Derby Workout Challenge (if you're on Facebook and you love Roller Derby, check it out). Now, it probably won't turn me into Urrk'n Jerk'n, but I'm hoping to stick with it and at least gain back some of the fitness I lost while I limped around in my Aircast.

Obviously (or not, if you're just tuning in), the Roller Derby Workout Challenge is built around the Roller Derby Workout video. I have said Roller Derby Workout video already and can only say that as long as I don't have to wear a color-coordinated leotard, I can probably stick with the plan. The Challenge also includes workout and meal plans for the 8 weeks that you participate. There's also some sweet prize at the end that you can win, but I'm not sure what it is and I don't really care.

I got the introductory message today telling me that I can't do this and I can't do that and this is how real athletes eat. I was supposed to ponder whether any of the nutritional aspects would be difficult for me to meet. Um...

• JUST SAY NO! To sugar and refined carbs. I don't eat very many refined carbs as is, so no problem. Sugar might be a little bit harder. Am I really looking at 8 weeks sans Newman-Os?
• FOLLOW ME! And the diet I create for you. Supposedly this "meal plan" will have a perfect balance of protein, carbohydrates, and fat. That's great, but I've been a vegan for awhile and if you tell me to eat fish, I'm going to substitute it with Newman-Os.
• JUST SAY NO! To soda and juice. I assumed this went without saying under the no sugar and refined carbs rule, but...I guess now. I already limit my beverage intake to tea and water, so that should be easy.
• BOOZE AND CIGARETTES? No. Straight up. I gave both of these up awhile ago. My only vice is...you guessed it, Newman-Os.

The Challenge starts January 9th. I should be able to make it 8 weeks, but if it looks like my strength is starting to waver, send Newman-Os.